The Bracelet

I sat there hurting from another screw up. How did I get to this place again? I know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.  Yet there I sat, the same behavior, same result: suffering in silence and feeling like I can’t breathe because I am drowning in sadness, hurt, disgrace, humiliation, shame, and guilt.  But this time, another feeling joined the fog of negativity surrounding me: conviction. I wish I could say this was because I finally was ready to repent, and while repentance (and eventually redemption) was an end result, this was second to the hurt I would see on my son’s face when he found out the very gift he had just given me for Christmas, the bracelet, was broken.   

What led me to this moment, this place?  As I look back, I see how worldly desires skewed my view of love, power and happiness. The idea of being an independent, formidable woman was so engrained it became my focus. However, paired with my deep insecurities, it was a formula for toxic relationships and unrealistic expectations. I can envision the enemy laughing as he dangled temptation in front of me just waiting for me to grab it.  The lie that the arms of a man can replace the true love of God; the lie that I could separate emotions from physical intimacy; the lie that a strong career and independence is the ultimate path to power and freedom; the lie that this is all I was made for.  All of these lies led me straight into this whole situation where I acted selfishly, sinfully, ending up feeling suffocated and isolated. Obviously this wasn’t the first night; this was part of a cycle I couldn’t seem to get out of no matter how often I went to church, not matter how hard I prayed.  The world validates this myth of independence and a strong woman, but if I was so strong, why did feel so weak and dirty and hurt? 

It was all over now, and as I sat there hurting as I watched a man (who I had no business with) leave, my pain quickly turned into panic when I saw my broken bracelet. My act of selfishness broke something so meaningful. So naturally, as I do with all consequences of my sins, I tried to fix the bracelet on my own. If I fixed this, it would be like it never happened. First, I rushed to Walmart to get the string that would be able to hold it together. Arriving about 15 minutes before closing, I rushed through the aisles looking for the jewelry-making section.  I can only imagine the look of panic I had practically running up and down the aisles looking for the plastic string to fix the bracelet; I found it, finally. But when I returned home, I began working on the bracelet and soon realized this would be more difficult than anticipated.  To start, there was a bead missing. 

Upon realizing there was a missing piece, I searched and searched thinking the entire time how the bracelet was broken during a moment when I was losing yet another piece of me to someone who cared nothing about me.  I looked everywhere. Finally, I gave up and decided that I would have an imperfect, but pretty bracelet-hopefully my son wouldn’t notice. Just like you Rae, an imperfect person trying to look perfect.

Next, I put it together, missing the piece, and tried to fasten it; but, it would not stay together. The knots kept coming apart because the plastic stringy material needed something more to hold it together.  I don’t have a lot of experience making jewelry, but I know that plastic can sometimes be made stronger when it is heated. So there I was, trying to hold the bracelet together and using a lighter to melt the string. Of course, what happened next, I used too much heat and the bracelet broke apart-beads flying everywhere. Seriously, I was ready to cry. 

As I gathered the beads and sat down to restring the bracelet, yet again, I went from missing 1 bead to missing 2 beads.  I searched and searched.  Nothing.  Finally, giving up again, I decided to put it together with 2 less beads.  The bracelet was getting smaller and pieces were missing, but I would make it work.  At this point, I couldn’t help but compare this to my life.  Parts of me are missing, but if I work hard enough, look pretty enough, no one would notice my missing pieces.  As I worked on my own to restring a very small bracelet, I realized I was failing. So, the next “solution” was for me to text my mom.  She was with my son when he got it, so maybe she could get another.  I could send her money and he would never know. Just a little secret wouldn’t hurt. Once again, the question of “how did you get here Rae?” went through my head. 

And then, I prayed; not about my sin, not about redemption, but about the bracelet. I know Jesus was waiting for me to open the door through prayer.  I know he was knocking and just waiting to be let in. I am pretty sure at this point Jesus was thinking, “just open the door Rae, let me in, I will fix this.”

After I prayed, I searched again and found the other 2 beads.  The original missing bead was in a shoe.  I promise I looked in the shoe prior to praying and spilling the rest of the beads, but I didn’t see it. I often believe this was God, blinding me to the bead until I reached out to him.  The second missing bead was under the ottoman downstairs. Again, I looked here before too; but God was not going to let me see it until I asked.  In fact, not being a jewelry expert, I am convinced God was waiting for me to reach out to Him-the expert on everything-to be have the ability to fix the bracelet.  When I try to fix my sin on my own, I can’t; in fact, I probably will make it worse.  Jesus is the expert on fixing sin and redeeming me. I can’t redeem me; my mom can’t redeem me. Only Jesus. It took a broken bracelet to get me back to where God wanted me; to get my focus back on the One who truly matters.

What did I learn from this?  Well, first I learned that God can and will use anything to bring us to Him, but we have to take the first step. Romans 7:25 tells us we are a slave to sin until we acknowledge we need Jesus.  This requires us acknowledging our brokenness, and denying it will only result in more missing pieces.  Also, God redeems, not me. We know from John 15:1-6, we can’t bear fruit apart from him.  He will remove any part of us that does not bear fruit; when we do abide in Him, we bear much fruit. But most importantly, it doesn’t matter how many pieces you are missing, God helps you find them and pieces them back together for you.  Romans 7:4-6 tells us that we belong to Him and we are to no release ourselves from what holds us captive (sin). If you try and fix it on your own, you end up missing pieces or damaging the very thing you are trying to fix.  And amazingly, Romans 8 tells us that when we belong to God, we are no longer missing pieces, but we must belong to God. God makes us whole; he wipes away our sin.

What I have now is the bracelet strung together, but I needed the expert fixer to do this.  After crying out, I was brought to my missing pieces. God help me put it together, and now I just need to remember to go to the expert so he can help me keep it together. I don’t remember this every day, but I work hard to remember who God made me to be. I have no doubt that we all have our own version of a broken bracelet.  My prayer is that Romans 8:28 brings you the comfort it brings me because I know God uses everything for those who love Him.