I remember the moment, sitting on the floor crying inconsolably. I could barely breathe. I could barely move. I didn’t feel like I was present in the moment though, it almost felt like I was above myself watching this happen. I called my sister, but when she answered, all I could do was cry. Shame does that to a person. We become silent in speaking truth to ourselves. As we get deeper into the feeling of shame, it becomes normal. And that is when the devil knows he has you; the stronghold of shame gets tighter and tighter until you can’t breathe.
At that time in my life there was a lot going on that I never told people. We tend to avoid truth-telling to others when we are living in shame. I was in a really bad “situationship” that was starting to affect my career. On one hand, I knew everything about what I was doing was wrong and twisted and evil. On the other hand, I was leading a life that probably looked amazing on the outside. If you ever heard the term Fakebook, that was me, a whole mess inside but happy and joyful on social media. Was everything I was doing with my life bad and wrong? No. In fact, I was helping young moms, I was going to church regularly, and I was even reading daily devotionals. That was probably my justification and how I was able to look in the mirror. But as I reflect, the fact that I was doing those things and still in sin contributed to this moment.
I sat there on the phone with my sister and she listened to me cry and cry. She asked what was wrong a few times, but I couldn’t explain. I remember thinking everything and nothing. I did this to myself so I deserve this deep sense of shame. I deserve whatever comes my way. So, she continued to stay on the phone and allowed me to cry.
Tears are cleansing, and in that moment, I needed cleansing. I needed to feel heard without feeling shame even if my only words were tears. I didn’t really ever explain what was happening, and I didn’t need to. I just needed the moment to cry out the shame and fear and ugliness that had built up inside of me for so long.
Looking back, I now know I was having a full-on anxiety attack, and that is one of many things God allowed me to experience to break free from the strongholds I write about so often. This anxiety attack was God’s way of starting to loosen the grip of the stronghold named Shame that held me so tightly. She may not know it, but my sister sitting on the phone patiently in silence that day was a catalyst to my path back to God and healing.
I am still on my journey to healing because my anxiety is caused by a lot of things, especially memories from my past. I still have to remind myself that God created me, He doesn’t make mistakes and that He knows my heart. The fact that I can’t hide from Him would have once annoyed me, but now I find comfort because He created me knowing I would do the things I did, and He still loves me.
As I close today, I pray that you find comfort in knowing that the one who created you knew exactly who you were going to become. He knew the choices you would make, and He loves you anyway. On that day, God knew that I would need someone to just listen to me cry, and He knew it would be one of many moments to lead me back to Him. I pray that as you continue your journey, you find someone who can just listen to you cry. I pray you are also someone who can listen when your sister or friend needs to cry.
Anxiety is real and can require professional help or medication. I pray if you need either, you seek them. I will also leave you with Psalm 139 because I cannot think of a passage the illustrates more the intentionality that God had when He created you, and maybe that can help you the way it helped me.
-Rae of Faith
I love you!