Last November I found myself on a plane to Florida; my sister had arrived 2 days before me. And like a good big sister, she tried to give me a head’s up about what I was about to walk into, but nothing could prepare me for that moment. Walking into an ICU hospital room to see my father connected to all sorts of machines was one of the most shocking experiences of my life. According to the doctors, he had COVID-Pneumonia, the flu, and suffered 2 seizures in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. He couldn’t talk at all, (aside from some cursing when the doctors and nurses prodded him), he was not breathing on his own, and he could barely open his eyes. I was heart-broken. I was scared. I was angry.
Romans 8:28 was going through my head as I stood there trying to find the goodness that God brings from the bad. You see, Romans 8:28 is my life verse and promises that God works all things for His good for those who love Him. I love God, so naturally I was looking for the good, but in that moment, I couldn’t see it. All I saw was pain and all I felt was hurt. My parents love God and are good people. Why is this happening? The feeling of powerlessness started to sink in, so unsurprisingly I tried to take control of the situation.
I went into bossy mode and started asking lots of questions to the doctors, nurses, my sister and my mom. In these moments, my questions tend to come off as directives and accusations rather than curiosity. Do you know he needs hearing aids? What prescriptions are you giving him? His catheter fell out and no one saw this? Who is in charge around here? And don’t get me started on the case manager who was asking about short-term rehab facilities before he even woke up. I started making a list of the nice people and the mean people in the notes on my phone so I could address them later. As I think back, I remember going to the same nurse’s station for 4 days only to be met with rudeness and poor customer service each time. It wasn’t until they day before he was discharged that I found out it wasn’t the “correct” station for his unit. Who even cares? Do you work here? Answer my questions! I am not proud of the fact that the Jesus in me was not very noticeable that week.
I was so frustrated all the time all while grasping to control the situation. I remember wondering why God would let this happen. I kept thinking, “God, don’t you know you are supposed to be working all things together for His good? You should know, that is why I picked that for my life verse. All the good was supposed to happen from all the bad. Surely there should be a really GOOD outcome from this that everyone would see.” (Please note-looking back now I realize the entitlement and audacity I had for thinking that.)
God being who He is in His grace gave me time. So, as I reflect on that verse, as I pray, I am just now starting to realize His good isn’t always a big show, and it doesn’t appear in the way I think it should. In fact, maybe His goodness is a reminder of how precious life is or maybe it’s a reminder to not take family for granted. The fact is both of these reminders were part of His good. However, a few months later I started to really understand what God was trying to help me learn.
Let me explain. The first night I was at the hospital, a friend of my parents called. My dad wasn’t coherent, but his friend started to pray for him. I can’t explain what happened next; I can’t pretend to know what God did, but my dad started speaking. Up until this point, he barely talked, just gave us blank stares. However, during the prayer of his friend, my father started to speak. The moment my father spoke was on my mind for a few months before I started to understand. And this whole time I was focusing on Romans 8:28, looking for the good to come out of this. Then one day, I was reading in Romans and stumbled across the previous verses. Romans 8:26-27 tells us that the Spirit helps us in our weakness; the Spirit intercedes for us.
Specifically, Romans 8:26 tells us when we can’t find the exact words, the Spirit comes in with groaning, too deep for words. Groaning, not coherent sentences, not coherent phrases or not even coherent words. The things my dad spoke weren’t very logical or clear. They were more like rambling about good people, but looking back, I realize my dad was praying too. I don’t even know if my dad could understand the prayers of his dear friend, but something happened, something only God could make happen. I can’t tell you how many times I had read this passage before, but for whatever reason, it took me a little longer than normal to make the connection to the night my dad first spoke.
So, did I ever find the good that God promises us from Romans 8:28? Absolutely! It wasn’t the good that I planned on experiencing, but it was God’s goodness. While God took this moment to gently remind me that I am not in control, He also reminded that coherent, orderly prayers are not necessary for God. As Christians we must be careful not to get hung up on what prayer looks like. Yes, there are places in the Bible that teach us how to pray (See Matthew 6:9-13), but there are times when our anguish and pain are so deep the Spirit must intercede. God just wants us to pray, and sometimes those prayers come through tears, screams, and random phrases that only He understands
As I look back, I had the honor of watching the Spirit intercede for my father when he was deep in pain and anguish. And to be honest, I believe the Spirit was interceding for me too. In that moment, I didn’t know what to pray-outside of please let me dad live. And now I truly understand that I didn’t need to have a perfect prayer. The Spirit was there translating me prayers to God probably offering prayers I didn’t even know I needed.
Friend, I pray this encourages you today. I pray that you know God hears you even when your prayer is made up of tears. He listens patiently when your prayer comes through painful yearning. And He makes sense of your prayers even when words escape you. The Spirit is here interceding on your behalf.
-Rae of Faith
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