As we enter this Christmas Season, I have been reflecting on so much. One thing in particular is that this will be my brother’s 10th Christmas (or CHRISTmas as he would have written) in Heaven. Upon that realization, I started to contemplate the number 10.
What is the significance of the number 10? When I looked up the Biblical significance, I found the 10 Commandments, 10 Plagues, the Lord’s Prayer has 10 clauses, the word Kingdom is first mentioned in Genesis 10:10. So much significance of the number 10.
You may wonder why the number 10 is a topic I am even considering. It is just a number. Well, it was just a number for me, until now.
10 years ago, my brother was 45, the age I am now.
10 years ago, my brother was found dead.
10 years ago, on December 10th, was the day he was found.
Nothing shocks you like death-especially unexpected death. Breathing becomes impossible, speaking becomes impossible, thinking becomes impossible. I remember clearly being in my classroom seeing a message pop up saying, “I am so sorry.”
I read it and confused, responded, “about what?”
The sender told me to call my parents immediately. I called and heard the words that will forever echo in my mind, “he’s dead.”
“Who?” I asked confused.
“Gary, he’s dead.”
So many emotions at one time. Confusion, hurt, anger, frustration, loss of control. I was shocked. I didn’t know what to do. Do I leave work and drive home? Do I get a flight to my brother’s? What do I do?
I honestly don’t remember much about that week. But looking back, I remember the feelings, and I still battle regrets.
It took his death for me to learn that my brother was a light in the lives of so many people. How did I not know how strong of a believer he was? How did we exist in family together for 35 years before I truly understood how he changed the lives of so many people? I didn’t know he baked pies and cookies for his colleagues all the time. I didn’t know he encouraged waitresses to go back to school. I didn’t know that everyone in the area he lived knew he had 3 nephews because he bragged about them so much.
As I look back on the missed opportunities and moments, I can’t help but have regret and a little anger too. He was doing good in the world. He was spreading love. Why would God take him so soon? Why not let Malachi know him better? Why take him before he could meet my husband? The hardest question for me though: Why did it take his funeral for me to know him better?
The moments of regret and anger have lessened over the years, but this year-maybe because 10 is one of those milestone numbers, maybe it is because I am the same age he was when God took him home, or maybe I am just exponentially aware of how short life is-this year, regret and anger seem to point their fingers at me, tempting me to feel guilt and shame.
Guilt, anger, regret, shame-these are all feelings that can suck us in so quickly. At a young age, my brother was in a serious accident that almost took his life then. The accident also left him physically scarred for life. And while many people may have become angry with God because of an experience like this, or feel shame because of the physical appearance, he wasn’t. In fact, his life verse was:
2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2.
What’s even better is how he summarized it: be weird. How amazing is this? He definitely made a choice to use his life for God’s glory. So where does this leave me? While I can’t go back and change time, I can move forward knowing my brother made a choice about his life. He made a choice to set himself apart and use his life to do God’s will. He was brave and loving and someone we can all look up to.
As he celebrates his 10th CHRISTmas in Heaven, I want to honor his memory. Year 10 will be where I leave my shame, guilt and anger. I choose not to fall prey to regret. I choose to enjoy the moments with my family and loved ones, especially this CHRISTmas.
Merry CHRISTmas everyone!
-Rae of Faith
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